Sunday, December 23, 2007

Collegiate Ambassador for Peace Leadership Workshop – Day Three

Today, according to the schedule, we will have a ‘Treasure Hunt’ activity. And we need to work in group. Okay, group again. The best part is two of the team members need to be disabled. One person need to be blinded and one person need to be crippled. Well, I volunteered to be the blind one. I did this once, and I know it wasn’t interesting at all to be the disadvantage person in the group. Another disable person in my group was Dhara. Anyway, the race has begun and we started it brightly.

To be honest, I really feel like I’m the bane in the group. They need to guide me where to walk, where to stay. And I can hardly participate in the hunt for clue or completing the task. All I did was stay there, where they asked me to stay and stoned there until we can make the move. Thanks for that also, I’m favourite with the mosquitoes as well. Thankfully Kak Liza came and put something on my skin, mosquitoes repellents I guess and keep the tiny little creatures away from me. Thanks also for CJ, Shaffian and Jegan who took good care of me when I was blind. I did not suffer any unwanted accident, but CJ fell when guiding me, he really living for the sake of others. Hehe. In the last checkpoint, I need to rescue Dhara while the rest of my group mate giving me instruction. At this point, I just totally rely on them so I can make it to the end. After that, team Turkey emerges as a winner. They won a hamper, yet they shared it with everybody. Thank you very much Turkey for Christmas. We really had fun during this activity and we bond a great relationship between us, in the group as well other group. We fought and compete with each others, yet in a very healthy way.

After that we were shown a video clip about a great leader in Japan who managed to rescue a lot of near bankrupts hotel. What I can see from him is he is an unorthodox leader. CEO without his/her own office? Unheard of yet he can manage his hotel with a bang. He instils great trust to his subordinate, he came out with a very effective strategies and put all his trust to his employee because he knows only them can improve the fortune of their hotel. I hope I can be like that because I’m still lacking the leadership quality in me but I’m working hard on improving it.

Another activity that day was we need to highlight the strengths we can see in our group mate. Well, I think I better list down what are my strengths that my group mate can see. 1) Talkative, 2) Willing to co-operate, 3) Willing to be open, 4) Open minded, 5) Good character of a leader, 6) Willing to change, 7) Rational and very practical views.
Thank you to my entire group mate. I was really flattered yet proud when they said that. Especially the last one who came from the person who was not in my group, yet she (oops, did I just said she?) can see my strengths from outside. I appreciate that, really. Also thanks for Udesh and Kak Liza for their comments on us.

Later that evening, we had another exciting activity, ‘Unity Volleyball’. I thought we were suppose to play usual volleyball, 6 a side. But after being introduce with the rules of the game, I just blown away with exciting. We need to complete the task, 5 level overall. Most of the group managed to reach level 5. During this activity, I think the most important thing is teamwork. Without teamwork, we will fall at the first hurdle and won’t finish it. We also need to learn to trust our group mate, that they can do it. What a joyful afternoon, but really tiring. I almost was running out of gas.

Night activity started a little bit late, and we don’t have enough time to prepare and practice the sketch that we were supposed to perform. And we need to stick to the situation as well, so I can say that I was not given enough chance to be creative, or maybe I was tired. Our performance was pretty dull, same goes to the other groups; maybe we were very tired after all. The best actor goes to Acai, I do agree because he actually acts everywhere and anytime. So the gong goes to him.

After that, Mike explained about the activity that we were about to have this morning, night tracking. Everybody was quite worried but excited. The best part was somebody besides me very worried because she doesn’t have long socks. So I promised to her that I will borrow my unused socks so it will protect her from unwanted leeches. So let us see, what can my socks do to protect her from leeches. Till we meet again.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Welcome Remark

Welcome to my new blog. Not really new anyway because I already started blogging for quite sometimes, but only in Friendster and I think only my friends can access it. So now I used this domain so others also can join in and read it. But the previous posts are from my friendster blog, so you won’t miss the interesting parts of my life. But still I will update both and some posts are mean to be here but not there, vice versa. So, you better check both! Thank you and welcome to my blog. Please drop a comment or two so I know who read. Really appreciate your time, thank you.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Reincarnation Of Me

Hello my friends out there, it’s been a while since my last post. I am really really busy or should I say, lost the drive to write. I prefer to fill my spare times watching movies or playing games, or the best damn thing is to sleep. But after a while, I need to get back to writing my blog. This is still the best way to get myself heard.

Moving on, as you know or you may don’t know, my status now is single. Yes, SINGLE. It’s official that we broke up on 4 November 2007, a day before my examination start. The reason of this should I say that we are not meant for each other. There were some problems occurred and I feel that the best thing to do was to part ways. It was not an easy decision to take but I have to for the sake of the future of her and me. I regretted on how things turn up for us, but this might be the best for us. I’m particularly very sad but I get over it already, hopefully she can get over it as well. I don’t want to blame her on what’s happening between us because it was not entirely her fault. So Murni, if you read this, I want to apologize for all my wrongdoings, my weaknesses and everything. I never capable fulfill your needs, even though I already gave my best. Maybe trying my best is not enough for you. But I do enjoy our time together and I miss your companionship. Thanks for the memories, Murni.

Being single is not that bad, I used to live like this for almost the entire part of my life. I get used to it. But the saddest thing is my phone is not ringing anymore. I often misplace it, and found it the next day. No messages no missed call, nothing. I almost forget what tune I put as my ring tone. Apart from that, I think I am doing okay. And the best part is; now I can join the ‘Single Club’ again. Lead by ‘Bachelor Of The Century’, Fatheque and his vice-leader Yazid, I am just too proud to join the bandwagon. Good luck guys!!!

By being in my condition, I cant help reminiscing the past. When I am alone, I often draw to think about my past. My relationship with other girls before this mostly turns into the drain. One night when I was alone at home with nothing to do, I opened my file where I keep all the stuff that I received before this such as notes, cards, sketches and other things. Mostly from the Iera, my love interest in high school. Many notes and beautiful sketches I received from her. We were so young at the moment, but it was nice memories to have and to keep, for the rest of my life. Intan too, I still keep the cards and the gift that she gave me on my 17th birthday. And I still have the gift that she supposed to receive on her 18th birthday but she refused to. I will keep it until I can give her what is hers. Maybe on her 21st birthday? If I could travel to Bandung, then I would meet her again, after remarkably 4 years of missing her

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everybody that supports me through this bad patch of my life. Zul, Fikri, Yazid, Fath, Farid, Ilyana, Ila, Izzatie, Salsabila, Fazlina, Ulyani, Marini, Anis Huda, Aisha, Izan, Anis, Hanisah, Dalwin, Ainnul, Sharifah and everybody that I might forget to mention. It’s been a great help and don’t worry, Udin is back and kickin’!!!


(In Conjunction with My 20th Birthday)

Ah-ha, I’m back. Sitting on my not so comfy chair and facing my computer, writing this crap. Actually, I’m planning to finish my FSP assignment tonight, but somehow, I can’t focus on my task because nobody is doing anything related to academic tonight, because it is weekend. But the more concrete reason will be my heart and mind is not really up to it. There is a feeling that I can’t describe, creeping in my heart. So I better do other thing to ease it off.

That is for introduction, actually I haven’t write anything for quite sometimes, sorry for everybody who might wait for my latest post. Actually, I’m pretty busy right now, trying to cope with degree level of education. Apart from that, my life is great, really great. Recently, I was appointed as Collegiate Ambassador for Peace (CAP) for IPGM KPPP and successfully handle the CAP Leadership Workshop in my college. Thanks for everybody that involved. It was a pleasure to work with you all. My love life is going pretty well. We are going to the right direction. We even plan to meet our respective parents during this Hari Raya and take our relationship to another level. Hopefully we will go all the way to walk down the aisle together, InsyaALLAH. Pray for us okay. The sad thing is we rarely meet each other now, because I’m d*mn busy. I don’t mean to neglect her, but I hope she understands my situation. I gave her a call just know and sang a song ‘Bisa Bertahan’ by Sheila on 7.

So, back to our title there, as I promise in my previous post, I will dedicate this entry to people out there who gave me such a wonderful memories that I will remember for the rest of my life. Even though some of it ended up in sour notes, but I still want to appreciate their contribution in flourishing my messy life. I will use their real names, so if you are on the list and somehow not happy with this exposure, feel free to contact me and I will take appropriate action. I will go with the timeline okay, start from my high school year until now, enjoy!

Zahiera (Iera)

She is my first crush, I started falling for her in 2001, when I was in Form 2 and she is a year younger than me. I liked her so much, kind of obsession because I was so happy just to see her but I don’t have any guts to talk to her or try to let her know my feelings. It was until when I was in Form 4 I got her e-mail and start sending mail to her. We became friend, I didn’t clearly tell her I like her, but she knew it somehow. But she treated me well as a friend and I was okay with that. I talked to her for the one and only time 3 days before the school closed for holiday and I was going to sit my SPM, such a loser. After the school days, we contacted each other regularly, and when she was in Matriculation, we became close. I asked her again if she was ready to take our relationship to the new level, but she was not ready for me, and I was okay with that. We still were a good friend. But sadly, this year, during her 19th birthday on 21st July, I forgot to wish her Happy Birthday because I was very busy working as a volunteer. She sent me a message and told me her dismay. I sent her various SMSes and VoiceSMS, but she didn’t want to hear my explanation. That’s the end of our friendship I guess. We never contact each others after that.

To Iera, if you read this, I want to apologize for all my wrongdoings. I started to bug you since you were in Form 1, I made you feel uncomfortable. But you still treated me very well, you accept me as what I am, not as people judge me. You made me feels happy, feels the sense of belonging. You are very friendly, very kind. You gave me the new lease of life, you gave me hope. I still kept everything you ever gave to me, all the notes, all the drawing, all the memories. Thanks for the memories, Iera.

Munirah (Niera)

I knew her in 2003, on mIRC, at first, we just chatted casually. But after a while, I found that she was so attractive. Easy going, made me laugh and happy all the time. We got a long very well. Then we started SMS-ing each others. We even hit about 50 SMSes a day. I really regard her as my best friend ever, she was there every time I needed her, and she will always be there to hear my problem, to ease my trouble mind, to give her advice and to cheer me up. Until one point I felt really comfortable with her and started to think I might be falling for her. But I kept the feelings away, because I don’t want to lose a very great friend in case she didn’t feel the same way. The problem started when I fell for another girl, Intan. I was over the moon with her and started to neglect Niera. I hardly contacted her because at the moment, I felt that Intan was very important that I don’t need anybody else in my life. I knew Niera was hurt by me, but she never showed it and said she is happy as long as I am happy. When my relationship with Intan was not going according to plan, I went back to Niera. I was selfish at the moment, never knew how girls will feel if treated that way. But she was happy to help me, always be there when I needed her. But one day, she told me that she is in a relationship, at first I was happy for her. But after a while, I felt jealousy started to creep in. I felt that she had abandoned me because she has a boyfriend. Stupid me, I was so selfish at the moment. I demanded her to always replying my message, treated me as we were before. But definitely she can’t because at the moment, she has her main priority, which is her boyfriend. Then one day, my stupidity reached to the max, I told her if we were going like that, I don’t need her anymore because she can’t be like before. I told her that we better go separate ways. She said fine. Then we stop contacting each others. Until now, I still feel that was the most stupid decision I ever made and to lose her is the big loss for me. I tried to contact her after I realized that I have made the stupid decision. But she forgives me but never forget on what I have done to our friendship. I never heard anything from her until now.

To Niera, I know I was wrong; I was stupid to break our friendship. Until now, I still regard you as my best friend ever. I still want you back as my friend. Whatever happens, I will always happy to welcome you back in my life. If you read this, once again I ask forgiveness from you and Happy Belated Birthday to you Niera. You really taught me how friendship means a lot to me. Thanks for everything, thanks for the memories, Niera.

Intan (In)

Okay, I will go easy this time. I wrote a hell lot about her already in my blog. Last year, during this time and with conjunction with my 19th birthday, I wrote a trilogy if I can say that about me and her. It is really complete and tells everything about what happens between me and her. And after that I also wrote pieces about her, so I don’t think I need to write it hear. You can check on my previous post entitled ‘The Complete Story of Udin and Intan’ part I, II and III. But briefly I will state here that she is the most complicated girl I ever met in my life. She took me to the cloud nine in the 1st 6 month we knew each other and put me in a disastrous doldrums after that for nearly two and a half years. But I must admit here that I really cherished the moment when we were together. I don’t know what really when wrong with us.

To Intan, I know you still remember me and what you have done to me, but I don’t hate you, can’t hate you actually. I smile every time our memory together flash out in my mind, but I’m damn sad to learn that you left me just like that, not once, not twice but thrice. But if you read this, you know that I still want you, no matter in what circumstances. In, thanks for all the sweet memories when we were together, thanks for the unbearable pain you have inflicted, thanks for the memories, In.

Okay folks, I think I shall stop here, because it is too long for you all to read. Just wait for part II because there is more to come. I still have a long list to go and I want you all to stay with me. Please drop your comments after reading this, it’s actually helps me a lot on my next entry. Thanks for reading this. Thank you so much.

From Heaven To Hell

Hi everybody, now I’m back in IPP after one week stint of orientation in Kolej Bukit Kachi, Universiti Utara Malaysia. I really don’t feel like going before I went there because I know it is very meaningless, go there for a meaningless orientation and then head back to IPP for my 1st year degree programme of my B.Ed TEYL. After a week there, I know I was wrong to feel like that. My stay there was very fun, far more fun than I expected.

The very obvious reason why my fellow friends and I were enjoying our stay there is because 850 female new students surrounded us, 49 boys in total. The ratio is almost 1 boy and 17 girls. It was a heaven for us, to be the centre of attraction in the hall. I might sound silly but that was how I feel when we started our first programme in the hall. There were so many beautiful girls that surely make me drool over and over again. The hostel is so nice, the toilet is far cleaner, and the rest room is air-conditioned, the television has Astro decoder. But that is university standard, and I feel lucky to have the chance to be part of it, albeit we only will enjoy it to the fullest next year.

We took Bukit Kachi by storm because we were very matured compared to the other new students. Even almost all new students are 20 years old, but most of them are from STPM, fresh from school while we already spent 2 years in college. We quickly adapt and managed to shine and make our voices heard. We rise to the occasion and gained a lot of respects from facilitator and fellow new students. We are also very special because our course is very odd and one of a kind in UUM.
I feel sad to leave there, even though on Thursday we feel very relief to hear that we will leave UUM on Friday morning. But when the times come to leave, I feel very sad; maybe I feel that way because I will leave the 800 +/- girls behind. Hehe. I will wait patiently until July 2008 comes and I will go there to finish my 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th semester in UUM. 2 years there should be enough for me to enjoy my university life. It will be much more different from college life, I guess.

So what about the title? I’m sorry, I might be over exaggerate but that is how I feel when I first step my foot in my new room in IPP. From a wonderful hostel in UUM, now they throw us in one of the worse hostel in IPP. They threw us to Amra to make way for new students that will register soon. We were very comfortable in Gajus before, but Amra is really terrible. The toilet in Amra is very similar to the one I saw in documentary about World War II refugee’s camp. My bed is counting down the days to collapse (and if you put an 80 kg grown up man, like me, the days will come sooner than later). But what can we do, we are only students in IPP, college and university is very different. All we can do is study hard, and wait patiently for another two semester in IPP before we can move to UUM. It won’t be soon before long.

The Angel, The Demon and The Cow…

Hello everybody out there. First and foremost I would like to apologize to all my avid reader (if I have any) because of lack of update on my blog. It’s been more than a month since my last post and I truly regret it. It is mainly because I am particularly very busy (or very lazy indeed) and I don’t have anything really interesting to share. My epic (!) story involving Intan is drawing to its close. I might write it later, maybe in conjunction with my 20TH birthday come this September, I already have in mind what I want to write and the title for it will be ‘Thanks For The Memories’, so if you want to know more, wait until September.

Actually, I really don’t have anything to write, I’m just damn bored and don’t know what to do. And I also realize that my honeymoon holiday is nearly over and I will start studying in less than 2 weeks time. So I better do some writing or else my frozen mind won’t be ready in times. I will be heading to UUM by the end of this month to further my study. However, we will be there only for a week before heading back to Penang where we will complete our 1st year degree there. I don’t know what of purpose going there, but I’m really looking forward for it. In one-week time, I am looking to increase my phonebook entry, hehe. So that is my goal there, haha.

Actually I have just finish surfing the web, specifically Friendster Ô where I took a look at Intan’s photos for the uncountable times. I don’t know why I still want to do that even though I am not particularly needs her around anymore. I have someone that I really love and really love me in return, no doubt about it. But I still can’t get her out of my mind, yet. It is kind of crazy but my memories toward her are immortal. Her name, her face, her smile, her laugh manages to creep in my mind every single time I breathe. I’m sorry my dear Murni, if you read this, you will surely burst into tears, but you need to know my brain condition right now. Hopefully you will help me ease the memories of me and Intan and we can make our own unforgettable memories, together and forever.

Apart from my still unstable mind, recently I think I almost manage to get a couple to split up. It is not my intention though, and I am not proud of it. In fact, I really regret that I get involve in that incident. The story is, a couple is in the midst of break up, so, I as friend of one half of the couple, decided to jump in and help them to resolve their problem. But I made a slight mistake that cause their relationship to get worse! I still don’t know the final outcome, as both of them are having crucial examination at the moment, so perhaps I can get clearer picture on their relationship after this. Now, I am praying that they can put aside their differences and get together again. Will write more if I can get their permission after this.

So that’s all folk. Forgive me if it is lousy and not interesting. If you read this piece of crap, don’t forget to leave your comment about anything, such as content, flow of writing or even grammar so I can improve myself in the future. How about the title? Actually it has nothing to do with the content, I just put it for fun. Thank you for wasting your time on this. Thank you!!!

Happy Birthday Intan!!!

Today is 13th of April, and I want to take the opportunity to wish Intan, happy 20th birthday! I feel joyful because this time around I have managed to call her and wish her happy birthday at 0015, Bandung time. She was sleeping, but it was okay, even it was quite hard to reach her.

On the same day last year, I was totally dejected because it was the first anniversary of me being turned down by her. And I couldn’t wish her happy birthday because at that time she was successfully hid from me and I can’t contact her at all. It is completely a different scenario this year and I’m very grateful for that.

As you all know, on her birthday 2 years ago, I planned a surprised birthday celebration for her, but to my dismay, she turned me down and refuse to come out. I was really sad and it remarks the crack on our relationship. And for your information, I still keep the present and the birthday card that supposed to be presented to her on that day. But it was the things in the past, now I’m already recovered from that, and we are in the midst of repairing the broken relationship. Lets hope we will be okay and can be good friend as the good old days.

And for you Intan, if you read this, I want to wish you a very happy 20th birthday, may this will bring you success in your life. Sadly I didn’t buy you anything, yet, because you are just too far from me, hopefully one day we will meet and I will get you something. I really hope to see you in flesh because the last time we met was in December 2003 and we planned to meet after our SPM but everything doesn’t go to plan. This time around I hope we can meet, even our status is not single anymore.

That’s all folk, thank for your time reading this piece of craps. Please leave your comment, I really appreciate it and will encourage me to write more.

Thank you.

Story Of My Life-So Far

Yeah!! I have finished my final examination for the foundation years. Hope I can go through to the degree level come this July. We are given 3-month break, kind of a very long break. All I do is to help my family with our business because my sister will deliver a baby in less than a month, so I think it is better for me to replace her rather than seeking other job.

I feel better now, I don’t really know why but I’m happier now. I think it is because of her. For your information, I’m in a relationship now, serious one. She came into my life and changes everything. Now I have somebody who really cares about me. I don’t need to beg it anymore. Apart from her extremely jealous behaviour, which is common but quite hard to take, she is perfect for me. Lets pray that this relationship will last long. Her name is Murni. Thank you for everything, my dear.

Apart from that, now I have Intan back in my life. Not as a lover, but as a friend, like the good old days. She contacted me and asking for forgiveness on what she has done to me. I have no problem to forgive her. I’m really grateful to have her back in my life. We constantly message each other’s, but not that frequent because she is still in Bandung and will cost us a bomb if we don’t limit our message. I’m waiting for her to come back to Malaysia, so I can meet her in flesh again after almost 3 years.

I think I no longer want to die. Now I’m stronger and willing to fight for my family. Now I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I will bravely fight to put us out of the troubles. I will not delete that post because I feel I can reflect on it in the future.

So far, I think the best academic achievement that I ever have in my life is to score Band 5 in my MUET test. It is such a joy to be a part of only 10 persons to score Band 5 in my batch, which are all English speaker. Eventhough it is near meaningless examination, and I think it is a total luck that make me score, I really enjoy that success. It is sweeter than my straight A’s in UPSR and PMR. I still think it is a total fluke, but who cares.

I still have a long way to go, path with various challenging obstacle that will lead me to glory. I must bravely face it in order to success in my life. It may sound like academic writing but this is true. Lets hope I don’t gain weight in this long break.

Thank you for your time. Please leave your comment. Till we meet again.

Goodbye My ……….. (Part Two)

Oops, I did it again. Yeah, this time around is my so-called sister. She is a good sister and good friend of mine. We got along well since we know each other’s last year. I even gave her a big surprise birthday party that I hope she will remember for the entire of her life. I like her at the first place and try to capture her heart, but at the end of the days it turns out to be more like brother-sister relationship and I’m okay with that actually. But good things always don’t last long, or at least for me.

What really happen? Nothing actually. It all started when I knew she fell for one guy. As she is only my sister, I care less about their relationship. It is her right to love and to be love. I have no complaint about it. But I was really sad to learn that she rarely reply my message. And starting from there, I was thinking a lot. I feel that I was unwanted; my caring ness toward her was unappreciated and so on and so forth. Maybe I’m phobia on this issue. When I wrote a text message, it is full with love (eoww!), hope and care. And when I don’t receive it back, I feel aggrieved and disappointed. Maybe I was thinking too much, but this is me. I can’t help to think how the other parties are interpreting my action. And with that, I start to think that maybe I’m annoying, unwanted.

So I did it again, I pull out, quit, back off from her life. I must stop to care about her and get on with my life. Why must I care and concern about someone who doesn’t care about me. It’s not worth it for me to think how she is doing if she never thinks how am I doing. Am I pathetic? Psycho? Maybe, she is just my so-called sister and I shouldn’t take it seriously. Maybe, but once again, this is me and I’m doing things on my way. This is my way of dealing it if I see things don’t go according to plan. I hope by doing this, I don’t need to think about her and she can get rid of this annoying big b*****d. Maybe she is happy by now.

To her, I seriously regret on how things are going on with us. But this will be the best way out for us. I’m so sorry because I always came to you at the wrong place and at the wrong time. There is the reason behind every action you take, and honestly I don’t have crystal ball to know what it was, because you never tell me. You have every right to hate me; I’m hateable. I’m not the best guy in the world, so maybe I have done something completely wrong to you. I’m so sorry for interrupting your life and demanding something that I never deserved. Our relationship only last for about 6 months, but I realize that you are a nice girl and you deserve somebody special. He is a good guy, takes good care of him and may you live happily ever after. Don’t worry about me (if you ever) because I will be fine. This is part and parcel of my messy life. I’m getting tired of it.

Please leave your comment; I need to hear from anybody who cares. I need to hear from different point of views because I know something that I feel right to do for me is consider wrong for others. Thanks for reading and writing for this and my entire past posting. Thank you.

Intan Full Of Mysteries, Udin Full Of Miseries

Intan Full Of Mysteries, Udin Full Of Miseries

The title is quite catchy right? Okay, straight to the point, on 23rd February 2007, I have received a message from unknown number saying that he/she ask for forgiveness and stated than all that he/she has done to me has a reason. And the reason is he/she wants to keep someone who loves me for not blaming us (me & he/she). It was quite confusing, but by looking from the number, the message was coming from Indonesia, and yes, it was from Intan

Somehow, out of the blue, somebody that I really love message me. It’s been a year since I heard last from her. So I was really ecstatic and happy. Yes, she is the one who put me into all the miseries but yet she is the one and only one whom my heart is craving for. I never hate her; even she has successfully put me in the doldrums for the past 2 years. Losing her was the worst things happen in my life and I’m happy to welcome her back in my messy life. I ask myself why she messages me back, maybe she is feeling guilty for all the while.

I desperately want to see how she looks like, because the last time I saw her is back to year 2003, quite a long time ago. So I asked for her FriendsterÔ or MySpaceÔ but she said, later she will give it to me. Oh, what a typical her, I sensed that she was reluctant to give it. She asked me whether I have a girlfriend or not, because she wants to make it clear that she is already in a relationship. I’m okay with that because I’m also in a relationship, but I still think I want her. I’m bit crazy there. I think she was happy to know that I’m also in a relationship, she stated that she wants to know more about her and so on and so forth. But deep in my heart, she is still the one that my heart is craving for, irreplaceable.

I asked her, what does she means with her first message? It seems that the reason why she left me is that somebody that love me (?) at that time asked her to leave me. I was shocked because from my understanding, nobody really loves me (except of my family, of course) that can shoo her away from me. I’m still puzzle until now, and she said it’s her secret and she can’t tell me more about that. There I got it, a typical her that always has secrets. Mind you, she hasn’t told me about from whom she got my number from.

After 5 or 6 messages, she asked to stop messaging because she wants to study. Once again I gave her my e-mail so she can check my FriendsterÔ. I knew she wouldn’t give her e-mail to me yet, why? For heaven sake I don’t know. The next day, I message her again; she replied my first message but didn’t reply the next 2 messages. It is another typical her, I must get used to it already by now. And I’m not convinced that she will still use her current number in the future because for the records, she already change her phone number 5 times just because she wants to run away from me. This time around, I’m not giving so many hopes on her because I know her well. Intan, you are full of mysteries.

I Want To Die...

I Want To Die...

Yes, you are not misread it, yes, I really want to die. At this moment, with all the problems that I have, die is the best way that I can think about. But wait, I didn’t say that I want to attempt suicide. It is against my religious teaching, and I’m not that brave to end my own life. All I want is to die in certain circumstances that will allow my family to receive a big amount of money from my life insurance. For your information, my family is really in a big financial clout. Our business really suffer for the last 5 years, and we need to pay various debt around 5k-7k in a month and our income is not anywhere near that amount. I’m sick and tired to see various debt letters everyday. And I’m very sad to see my parents and my sister with her husband work really really hard to gain more income to clear the debt. They work from early in the morning until late night to clear the debt without anything to spend. All I can do is help to decrease their workload during weekend and holidays. That is all I can do because I’m still studying and it makes me feel I’m useless. So, I think the biggest contribution that I can make to my family is, to die. If I’m no longer around, they can use my insurance claim to pay all the debt, my parents can retire and focus on ‘ibadah’. My sister can work elsewhere and enjoy their life like the others. I have no regret I f I could die this way and somehow help my family. There is nothing I can offer to this world, vice versa. Apart from my family, nobody will really mourn my loss. I don’t have lover, so nobody wont lost his or her sleep after my death. But only one thing I will miss if I die early, Intan. Well, I really want to meet her again. Just for the sake of asking what’s gone wrong with us. I would also like to pay tribute to my family, I will definitely miss you all, especially my niece and nephews. To all my friends that has been so great to me, zillion of thanks for you all. And for all the girls that has been in my life, Iera, Niera, Aisha, Esther, Anem, Wanie, Zira, Farah, Murni and especially INTAN, all of you have flourished my life, thanks.


Thanks again for your supports and comments. Although it is quite embarrassing to tell everybody in the world about my tragic love story and expose my own weaknesses, I still want to carry on writing here. And to all people out there, even this experience is the worse patches of my life, I wont kill myself. It is way beyond my thinking and I still can handle this, thank you for your concern. Here is the 3rd part of the story. Please leave your comment after this, thank you.

Intan: The Aftermath

I started my college life and try to forget her. After what she has done to me, I felt that I should forget her, find another girl and enjoy college life like other people. But it was harder than I thought. I got carried away and can’t easily forget her I gave her all my heart and my soul. Her name keeps flashing in my mind, her voices, her messages, her laughs, and everything about her every 30 seconds. When I want to sleep, when I want to eat, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, she always come in my mind. I really miss her. I knew that she further her study in KMK, and later on move to KUTPM to do her preparation in Medic. I heard from her high school friends that she already has a boyfriend and I’m not surprised. I tried to contact her but I can’t reach her. Nobody knows her phone number, even her high school roommate. I spent hours and hours in front of pc searching her in Friendster. Early this year, I manage to get her phone number from her high school friends that I met in IRC. I call her using different phone number. She answered the call and we have a conversation for about 15 minutes. She acted like she never did anything wrong to me while on the other hand, I was nearly cried, I don’t know why. Once again she asked a stupid question, ‘ Are we still friend?’ Silly her. She ran away from me then she asked me whether we still friend. I asked her why she did that to me, but she keep telling me that it is hard for her to tell me but she promise me that she will tell me someday. I was glad because once again I was hoping that we still could repair our relationship. I bought a new sim pack, used the same Telco with her. After that I managed to call her only once, before she started to ignore my phone call and message, again! After a while, I stopped contacting her because I see there was no point for me to keep calling and messaging her. I planned to forget her and threw her away from my life. But I still can’t forget her until now. 6 month that we spent together as a friend was the best part of my life, and the 2 years after she left me is the worst part of my life. I am suffering until now. Now she is in a university in Bandung, Indonesia, further her study in Medic. Glad for her because that is her ambition to study Medic. I was one click away from booking a flight ticket to Bandung. I planned to go there next year during her birthday, to give her another surprise. But after I think and think, why should I go there, to meet somebody that ran away from me several time. After almost two years, I think I should move on. Forget about her, all our memories and find somebody else.



Thanks for the encouraging comments and responses. Please forgive me for my bad English I try to improve though. Rather than writing a Social Study or Language Development essay, I prefer to express myself here. Here is the second part of the story.

Intan after SPM-DECEMBER 2004-2005

After we finished our SPM, both of us move back to our hometown. We were closer than before and I’m more than excited because we can meet and I was planning to tell her what I feel towards her and I was pretty sure she would be mine. But almost a month after SPM I haven’t made any move because I think I don’t have the guts to do so. Our relationship was going really well. In the mid-December, I asked her out for the 1st time, to Sungai Petani of course, she agreed but cancelled it last minute because she had some problems. So we delayed it, and it happens for several times, I don’t know why but it happens because either she or me cant make it. In January, she took a driving course; so she was busier, and we cant go out. And after a while, I realized that our relationship was not as before, it turned a bit sour. She was busy, always didn’t reply my messages, sometimes she didn’t answered my call. She always gave excuse such as busy and tired. So before things get worse, I decided to confess my feelings through SMS. She didn’t reply, so I jump into conclusion that she was not in love with me. Heart broken, I told her that it is okay that we still can be best friend. After that, she pretends that she didn’t know anything about that thing. We continue as a friend, but I felt that it was not going really well because I think she changed gradually after SPM, less talk and messages. Frustrated, I asked her why she changed, the way she treated me was so differently compared to our early days. I asked her, for her I’m only her friend or what. She replied that she never feels that I’m more than her friend. Then I asked her, what did she mean by sending me ‘143’ message, calling me ‘sayang’ and ‘abang’. She replied ‘saje main-main’. Can you imagine how I felt at that time? It really hurts, until today. It was in mid-March, even I was hurt, I don’t want to give up easily, and I still want to capture her heart. I stop messaging her, not because I want to forget her but I was planning to give her a big surprise on her birthday, 13 April. I was planning to go to her house, ask her out and give her a birthday present and cake. That was my idea to give her big surprise on her birthday. On 13 April 2005, I went to her house (it is quite rural) with my best friend, gave her a surprise call and asked her to come out because I have something for her. Sadly, the thing that I feared most happened, she refused to come out. She said that she was not ready to meet me. I was so sad and broken hearted, I planned and prepared everything, sacrificed my money, time and energy. I was so sad and when I arrived home, I can’t control myself, I burst into tears. That was the first time I cried because of a girl. She gave me a call, apologized and she told me that she was shocked, that’s all. And she asked me, “Are we still friend?” So I said, the ball is in your court so you made the decision. She promised to repair our relationship. I have no complaint but deep in my heart, I was more than hurt. Not long after that, she started to show her dark side. She started to ignore my messages and phone call. She rejected my calls so many times. Until one day I cant reach her anymore. She changed her phone number. It’s hurts to think that the one that you love the most left you, without saying good-bye, without telling you why she left. I was left alone in the dark, trying to figure out why, why she left me and what have I done wrong that drove her to act like that. I was half-crazy after that, until I enrolled in M4P (now IPP) that I started to find myself back. And try to forget her; it’s worked, for not more than 30 seconds. To be continue…

[Theme Song]-[Ada Apa Dengan Mu-Peter Pan]

More to come:

What have she done to me

Where is she now?

and many more about me and her, stay tune.



This is a true story that happens to me. By revealing it all here, I’m not in the hunt to get cheap publicity, but I just want to let people know what really happen to me. But still you can consider it as cheap publicity if you want. Love it or leave it people.
--In Conjunction With My Birthday--

Who is intan??

Intan xxxxxxxx Bt xx. xxxxx is a nice, good-looking, attractive, kind-hearted, lovely girl (as was in 2003-2004) that captured my attention in 2003 during tuition class in sungai petani. At that time we only talk for a while and she only knew my name and where I come from, vice versa. After that I’ve never heard anything from her. In June 2004, I received a message from the number that I didn’t recognize, and she claims that she is Intan that I met during tuition class. So we started as a friend, she treats me really well, we exchange text messages everyday, and she always gave me a call all the way from STF, Johor. We get along very well as times goes by. During that time, both of us were preparing for our SPM. I still can remember a day before SBP Trial, she sent me a message, with “143” at the end of the message. Even the stupid person also can figure out what was she trying to say. I called her and said “ because SPM is around the corner, why not we concentrate on our study and postpone anything regarding that thing until we finish our exam”, she agreed with me but deep in my heart I’m more than happy because she was clearly giving me a response that I want. I like her so much at that time, not only because she is so cute and good-looking, but also the way she treated me, pampered me, picked me up when I was down. She is the best thing I ever had in my life. During my birthday in September, she sent me a present, and from that moment, I’m deeply in love with her. I gave her all my heart and soul. But because we still need to face the biggest obstacle right in front of us, SPM, so I kept the feeling away for a while. But I’m really confident that she also in loves with me because the way she treated me, and all the hints that she shows, such as calling me ‘abang’ and ‘sayang’. For me, as a naïve and innocent boy (haha!), never have a special relationship like this before, I take that seriously. I did belief that her feelings towards me also the same, base on her action. So at that time, we were like a couple, doing everything that most all the couple do, but because she was in Johor and I was in Kedah, we never met after the tuition, but she has a lot of plan for us to go out together in our hometown after SPM. To be continue…

More to come:

-Intan after SPM

-What have she done to me

-Where is she now?

..........and many more about me and her, stay tune.
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